Have You Lost Your Song?

Music…Oh, I love music! I grew up in a musical family with lots of weekends spent ” pickin’ and a grinnin’ ” (I’m from WV in case you didn’t know πŸ˜‰ ), singing in churches before I could see over the pulpit, in the shower, in the car, when I was happy, when I was sad… you name it! It wasn’t until I became an adult and started having a desire to grow in my relationship with God, that singing became more to me than just “singing”. Singing became one of the ways I could worship God! I could let go of all of the distractions around me, all of the stress and anxiety that was burdening me, just let it ALL go and sing for God. Oh how I enjoyed it! It didn’t matter who was there, what was going on…I didn’t care. I was singing FOR God. It might have been “flatter than a flitter” (another WV slang term there for ya πŸ˜‰ ) but I didn’t care. Music was therapeutic for me. It could evoke emotions that I maybe didn’t even know I was struggling with. But a storm of change came for me in April 2018. I had unknowingly lost a second baby to another miscarrage. My world seemed to almost come to a stand still in that moment. I went through the range of emotions…grief, anger, confusion, numbness, grief, anger…a vicious cycle that seemed to never want to end. I felt as though I was stuck in slow motion. The world around me and all of the people in it were traveling at a speed faster than light, and here I was stuck in this pit of deepening depression, feeling like I had no way out. Their lives were going on like normal and here I was…swallowed and nearly consumed by grief. I was surrounded by so much love… from my husband, my children, my family, my friends, my church family…but it didnt make it go away. I struggled with the concept of how God could allow this to happen. I just knew He had to be punishing me for something. It was the only explanation my grieved mind could concoct. I was angry…really angry. I BEGGED for his peace. I PLEADED for his comfort. I read my Bible for hours upon end, grasping at every word trying to make the unbearable pain I was feeling go away, even if only for a minute I would take it. ANYTHING! I tried to sing. I tried to worship. I tried to drop everything like I so easily could do before, but I couldn’t. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t. For the first time in my life, I felt like I HAD LOST MY SONG. My song of joy, my song of love, my song of hope that the Lord given me…it was gone. I tried to open my mouth but nothing…nothing would come out! I cried out to God WHY, LORD, WHY? But there was silence…only silence. I continued spiraling out of control, deeper and deeper into the bottomless pit of my depression. I began pushing those that I loved out, more and more. I was withdrawling deeper and deeper into myself. I was in a vulnerable state of mind and Satan was using that to his full advantage. It’s hard for me to admit the things he put in my mind. I’ve always been more on the shy and timid side and stepping out in anyway has NEVER been easy for me. It’s hard to put yourself out there, to share your reality…the big, bad, ugly truth of your reality. I am ashamed and embarrassed to say that I thought the thoughts I did, but I know I’m not the only person Satan has told or IS telling these lies to and I want you to know that you are NOT alone. Our circumstances might differ, but we share the same battle and I understand. Satan looks for any oppurtunity he can to weaken our faith, to make us question and doubt, to utterly break us and leave us shattered lying on the floor. I began to believe his lies… God didn’t really love me like I had always thought He did. He wasn’t always working things for my good. He didn’t have good plans for me and hopes for my future. He told me I had failed everyone around me. I had failed my loving husband, I had failed my 6 beautiful babies, my family, my friends, my church…everyone would just be better off without me. I had held it in for so long. I had put on a smile, pushed myself as hard as I could to get back to “normal”. What everyone though I “should” be. I fought it as long as I could until I sat up in the bed and began sobbing until 4 AM one morning. I just wanted it to be over. I just wanted the pain to go away. I poured my heart out to my husband. I told him everything coursing through my mind. All the things Satan was telling me to believe. My husband held me so tight and listened to every word I had to say that night. He was scared…I was scared. I had never been at a place so low in my entire life. He reach over and placed his hands on me and began to pray over me. A sense of peace and calm flooded my soul. A peace I had been begging for. I’ll never forget that feeling, ever. GOD WAS THERE WITH ME! HE DID LOVE ME! HE WAS NOT PUNISHING ME! HIS PLANS FOR ME WERE GOOD! HE WAS WITH ME ALL ALONG, EVEN WHEN I FELT LIKE HE WASN’T AND COULDN’T HEAR HIS VOICE! After that night, God broke chains in my life that I didn’t even know I was bound in. He filled me with a new sense of joy, determination, and a boldness I’ve never had before. He told me to use my experiences, my pain, my struggles and HIS WORD to help ENCOURAGE OTHERS. I have wanted to do this for a long time, but my own insecurites and timidity held me back. But now I know I have to be obedient to the voice of God and be a willing vessel for HIM to use in the ways that HE chooses. So…fast forward to today…I won’t lie… there are still rough days and I know there will be in the days ahead, but God has brought healing and restoration to my broken heart, mind, and soul. I AM a different person than I was a few months ago. I have learned to lean more on him and to wait patiently in the silence for the voice of God. God didn’t give me my old song back…HE FILLED ME WITH A NEW ONE! A NEW SONG OF JOY, OF FAITH, OF LOVE, OF HOPE, AND OF WORSHIP. I not only sing FOR MY GOD but I now sing TO HIM as well. If you are feeling alone, if Satan is trying to fill your mind with his lies and deceit, PLEASE reach out to someone. Don’t try to hold it in and deal with it on your own. God has placed people in your life that love you and care about you and want to help you. They want to listen and they want to pray! Reach out to your spouse, your family, your friend, your pastor…just reach out to someone! God CAN AND WILL bring the healing and restoration, the peace and comfort, you are so desperately seeking. He will give you a NEW SONG. GOD LOVES YOU AND I DO TOO!
“He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the LORD.” PSALM 40:3

selective focus photography of upright piano
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